Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--a lot.
Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house.
Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their
beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective
bark, bark, bark...
Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch
them. It spoils all the fun.
Chewing: Make a contribution
to the fashion industry; eat a shoe.
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.
Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls
on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
Doors: The area directly in
front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
Going for Walks: Rules of
the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never
go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break
as much of the house as possible.
Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting
your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they
won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side
of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never
enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help
correct this problem.
Licking: Always take a big
drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human.
Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
Newspapers: If you have to
go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use
the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for
Playing: If you lose your
footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb
your fall so you don't injure yourself.
Art of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the
family dog, to accommodate them.
Visitors: Quickly determine
which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking
loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down
on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently
to show your concern.